Am I a bad guy for feeling like this dealing with a sick wife?
My wife and I have been married for 17 years. Met in high school married at 22 years old.
About 7 months after we were married my wife was diagnosed with M.S. ( multiple Sclerosis )
Trust me when I say they have no " good " treatments for M.S.
It is not " fixable". I am a healthy man and have always been. I love to go outdoors, fishing, hiking, swimming exc…..
My wife is unable to do any of these things with me because one of the issues with M.S. is fatigue. She can not or wont do anything with me, the things that I love to do because of the fatigue. Another thing that goes along with M.S. is immune system can’t fight off viruses like a norman immnue system. So, she is always comming down with something that makes her feel worse.
So, here I am healthy, somewhat charming man that feels like I have been given this life to bear. I love her very much, that is why I am still with her. I believe marriage is forever but, at the same time I cannot enjoy life with the one I love. ( or at least not all of life )
She was cute as a button when we got married. Due to some of the " treatments " it has caused her to gain a LOT of weight. She weighs almost twice what she did when I married her.
How do I keep dealing with this?????
Am I a DOG for wanting to spend life with someone who is a healthy person? Who do I deal with this?
It just SUCKS !!!!!!!!
Yes I know my wife if she did not have this disease would be able to do some of the things that I feel like I am getting short-changed with.
She always says that I am going to leave her but, I have NEVER given her a reason for thinking this.
Are there some support groups for people like me?
Another thing she has not been able to have an orgasum in the last 13 years because she has no feeling " down there ".
I also miss the sex, man do I miss the sex. Am I wrong for wanting to see and hear a woman have a mind blowing climax?
It just sucks !!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t believe some of the people here.
If you dont have to deal with personaly the what the F$(K do you know.
You dont have a clue BASTARDS
I look for sympothy and I get shit?
F*&K you !!!
Personally i think you are one of the greatest guys who has ever existed. She can’t have an orgasm, she weighs Twice as much as she did when you married her, she can’t and won’t do anything, she is always getting ill. For still loving her through all this makes you one of the greatest guys out there. Most would have left long ago. I feel so bad for you that you can’t live your life how you want to. You only live once and not being able to do things with her must be awful. You clearly love her and so you should do things with her that she can do no matter how small and boring it is, and you should make some good friends to go and do the things you like to do sometimes.
I’m sure there are probably support groups for people in your situation and if you look around im sure you will find one.
I wish you all the best luck with everything. God bless you.
There are support groups. Just do a search. Lets face it, they could only help. How many other guys are going through the same thing?
i understand what you mean. But to be frank you married her through sickness and in health. so this might be something you just have to deal with. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
your wife was diagnosed with a life threatening disease and you’re only worried about how it is affecting you
try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. she’s sick and she probably does not like the changes any more than you do. imagine if she just found this online, and knew it was you, imagine how hurt she’d be, don’t you think she’d already be self-conscious about how she looks now?
and didn’t you take a vow going along the lines of "for sicker and for worse"
my grandmother has this disease, so i’m talking from experience when i say she has no control over what this disease is going to do…
and my the way, i do think that you’re a dog
no,you’re not a bad guy,you’re just frustrated that you can’t do much stuff with your wife.Try to remind her that you’ve never left her side for more than 13 years and you want to go hiking or whatever you want to go for a little bit and tell her that you’ll be back soon.then tell her sweet things and tell her that u love her:D then she’ll probably let you go:D
Wow, you’re a really good guy for sticking beside her throughout.
I hope she loves you enough to let you go.
ya – a support group is a good idea.
I do feel for you . I guess my only thought is (and take this with a grain of salt – i’ve been dodging the marriage bullet my whole life):
She didn’t ask to get sick – or do something wrong to get sick…likewise, you didn’t ask for a sick wife.
Bottom line is you both signed up for this when you married eachother. You both knew this was a possibility, and took your vows anyway.
I think you both get the hand that either one of you is dealt. You are in an "if your spouse lost both their legs" type of situation. You both get the lifestyle – and help eachother through it.
You are not a bad guy – i think you are having some very normal – albeit selfish feelings. Selfish because she has the immune deficiency, she has gained the weight, she has to stay home, and she can’t orgasm and all of your comments above are how this is happening to you….again – i am guessing very normal feelings for someone in your position – and for dealing with it for as long as you have.
Anyway – this is when you band together – necessity is the root of all invention – where there is a will, theres a way – and all that crap – go hiking and fishing with friends, take pictures, bring them back to show her so she can experience it also. Find things she CAN do rather than focusing on what she can’t. Go on road trips – she’ll be tired but it will be a full life for her.
You can do it man. You are getting a crappy case scenario for sure – you can still have a full life too – half the battle is attitude, the other half is motivation. Good luck.
Wow, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for both of you. As a wife, I have to tell you that it must break your wife’s heart everyday knowing that she can’t give you what you need. I did a quick Google search and found this article which you may find helpful: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/501319
You should also check out http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx
They have an online community and it looks like support groups as well.
It’s completely understandable that you feel frustrated and even angry with the situation. Neither of you asked for it or were prepared for it. Have the two of you gotten marital counseling? No marriage is so strong that it doesn’t need counseling from time to time, and given the extreme frustration in your tone I would say that you definitely should look into it. If you continue to allow these feelings to build up without vent, you will eventually come to resent your wife and will probably leave – and that, my friend, would make you a complete jerk (just to speak honestly).
Are you and your wife sharing your feelings? It’s okay to tell her what you miss and what you’re upset about. It’s okay to let her know what you’re thinking, because otherwise you’ll just drift farther apart. The beauty of marriage is that despite the fact that you are guaranteed to have terrible, terrible experiences, you get to share them together and comfort each other. Your wife deserves to know how you feel and to be allowed the privilege of comforting you. There is something healing in sacrificing for someone else and seeing them sacrifice in turn for you.
It’s okay to be angry and to wish that things were different. But then let it go. Accept your life for what it is and move on to what other joys are available to you. Don’t punish yourself or your wife for what neither of you can control. Instead, read books about people who have survived the odds (I would suggest "Sing Me to Heaven" by Margaret Peterson about a woman who married her husband with the knowledge of his terminal illness) and look for support from others. Find new activities that the two of you can enjoy together or make compromises.
Marriage is such a blessed, wonderful experience, but it takes hard work no matter what the circumstances. I wish you the strength and fortitude to handle your situation with love, maturity, and integrity (and know that I’m also praying for you).
Yes, there are support groups and I believe they will be helpful to you and your wife.
On the more practical side of things: What kind of help is your wife getting? There are meds that can address some of the MS symptoms, if not the fatigue. People with MS actually have an aggressive immune systems, so if your wife is constantly coming down with something, her weakened immune system could be caused by her medicine – also something to look into?
If she’s not getting flu shots, then do encourage her to do so. One bout of flu can leave a person with MS completely drained of energy for 3-5 months (happened to me last year).
Time-management can also help dealing with MS fatigue. I also can’t help noticing that your wife seems afraid that you will leave her and that she seems quite passive, so please make sure she’s not suffering from depression. Depression will also leave a person fatigued.
Finally, her being overweight is not helping her general welbeing. Is there any way, you could help her loose weight?
All the best to the both of you.
No! You are definetly a “bad guy” for feeling the way you do. I am assuming that through this, despite how you feel, that you are still able to show your wife the support and aympathy you seem to be seeking with this blog. If not, then my judgement might change…
My dad died last year after more than fifty years of marriage to my mom, almost all of them after she was diagnosed with MS in 1955. (She is still alive.) Her MS not only limited her, but him as well and them as a couple, but as he always said, “You play the cards you are dealt.”
Everyone has a limit to what they can bear, but I hope that if you still love your wife you will be able to figure out how to enjoy the things you do, find new things to enjoy with her, and even figure out the sex angle (good luck – it’s a toughy.) Her life isn’t over because of this diagnosis, (and since I have MS as well, I know how awful a diagnosis) it is, nor is your life over and your life together is only over when you decide it is.
Good luck and hang in there!
Andy